Death

So for a first blog, this is a rather dismal subject. The funny thing is that I've thought so many times about starting this, and never did. Sorry this one is so down.
Had somebody told me sooner that my big brother would have died at 35, I wouldn't have believed them. But that's unimportant. That couldn't have been changed even if I had known. Here's what I could have done. I could have not ignored the 3 calls from him the day of his death. He tended to be annoying on the phone, and I "didn't have time for that" whenever he called. I wish I would have answered. I thank God every day that he left me a voice mail, though. Now I have his voice. I can't bring myself to play it yet, but I know it's there. It's a comfort in a weird way. I miss him so much. He had lots of problems, and so much pain in his life. I take comfort in knowing he's no longer in pain, but daily I struggle with losing him, and the pain he's left us with. I'm hoping my other brother, my parents, and myself (along with everyone else who knew him) get through this in one piece. It's brought us closer, but there's still a HUGE gap in our lives that I wonder could ever be closed. I hope we can keep his memory alive for his beautiful 20 month old daughter who will never know all the wonderful things about her daddy. We'll do everything we can to make sure she does. I just wish somebody had told me sooner.